


Burden

by sofa_and_stuff



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, GN!READER, Haikyu - Freeform, Haikyuu - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Other, Self-Esteem Issues, gender neutral reader, haikyuu!! - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:22:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27416470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sofa_and_stuff/pseuds/sofa_and_stuff
Summary: When Bokuto confesses to you, you're left shell-shocked. How could someone like your best friend--your beaming, beautiful best friend--ever have feelings for someone like you?
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 112





	Burden

**Author's Note:**

> comfort fic word vomit ahaha

Maybe you were making a mistake.

You were ignoring Bokuto. You had been for a week. It was harder than you thought it’d be. He was this constant source of goodness in your life, and the sudden cut off from not having him around was hard. But this was for the best, you were sure of it.

A week ago, Bokuto had asked you out—big owly eyes, nervous smile on his face, and words warm with affection. It wasn’t exactly unexpected.

The two of you spent all of your time together. No matter what you did, Bokuto would somehow weasel his way in. At first, you’d resisted. You’d seen how happy he was, how carefree he seemed—he had so many friends, he had so much passion, so much motivation, so many things he loved. And you were just… you. You felt like you and Bokuto were on two different levels, and the thought of him wanting to spend time with _you_ was intimidating. What could he even want with you? You were boring and plain and he was _so much more_ than anything you thought you could ever be.

Somehow, though, Bokuto had stuck with you throughout high school, insisting on being your partner for every group project, helping you in class. Eventually, he became your best friend, carving out a place for himself in your heart without your consent. He snuck into your life without you really noticing, and now, he was just there. You couldn’t imagine your days without him.

When he confessed, your whole world stopped. He wasn’t supposed to do that. Things weren’t supposed to change. You were unlovable and he was not supposed to fall for you. You were supposed to finish school together and then slowly drift apart. That’s the decision you’d made when you realized the two of you were friends.

The two of you were in your third (and last) year of high school. This would probably be your last year together, if you were being realistic. Bokuto would go on to do great things, you had no doubt. He was your best friend, but not only that; he was the best person you knew. If anyone was going to go places beyond belief, it would be him. And you? You were going to rot away at home. Maybe go to college, maybe end up in an unhappy marriage with some poor, unassuming man. Bokuto was not supposed to tell you that he had feelings for you and change everything.

You hadn’t rejected him. Not really, not yet. You’d just walked away. Left him in limbo, waiting on your response. But you knew Bokuto, and you knew your time was wearing thin.

The first few days that you didn’t talk to him, he backed off. Then, after three days, he’d texted you, called you, even left notes in your locker. You’d ignored every single one.

Things weren’t supposed to change. If you accepted his love—love that you didn’t think you deserved—you’d eventually have to give it up, have to break up with him. You were doing a good thing; something that was best for both of you. Saving yourself from the pain of attachment to Bokuto, and saving him from making a mistake.

You’d assumed that if you kept ignoring him, he’d get the message.

You didn’t have it in your heart to tell him “no.” So, ignoring him was the next best thing. That way, you wouldn’t have to see the heartbroken expression that (unbeknownst to you) he’d been sporting all week. He’d get over it, you assumed. You were nothing special. Maybe he’d realize that he was fine just being your friend, that you weren’t good enough for him. Then things could go back to the way they were.

This is why you were surprised when Akaashi Keiji had asked you to come watch him and his team during practice. You’d met him plenty of times through Bokuto—pegged him as a quiet, introspective guy. Hardly ever talked to him.

“Please,” he’d said, his voice almost strained, a kind of exasperated and desperate look on his face.

You’d agreed, half out of curiosity, and half because you’d missed seeing your best friend’s beaming smile as he played volleyball.

When you stepped into the gym, quite footfalls making your way to the sidelines, you caught sight of Bokuto. His eyes were lidded, dark circles under them. His smile was small, flattened. His whole posture seemed to droop. To be frank, he looked like absolute shit compared to his usual self.

You sat on the sidelines throughout most of the practice, only making eye contact with your best friend once, about half way through. It sent chills down your spine. Bokuto’s eyes looked so dull, so empty. He had locked on to you, and the two of you had kept each other’s gaze for almost a minute before Akaashi had pulled Bokuto back into practice.

You had tried to sneak out before practice ended, you really had. You wanted nothing more than to get away from this situation. Bokuto was clearly not ready to go back to normal yet, and you weren’t ready for the inevitable emotional confrontation the two of you we’re going to have. But when Akaashi caught sight of you, his stern look had you stopping still in your tracks. He had you petrified, a deer caught in headlights, and so you had stayed until the very end; until all the equipment was put away, and the only person remaining was Bokuto.

“Walk me home?” were the only words he’d said to you. And his voice was so small, so defeated, so _different_ from his usual booming tone, that you didn’t have it in yourself to say no.

The two of you walked together in a deafening silence. No words between the two of you. Only short, awkward glances at the other, words getting caught in throats before either of you said something wrong. Neither of you had any idea how to approach the conversation you knew you had to have.

When you got to his house, you followed him in out of routine, not realizing your mistake until you were already wearing the pair of slippers that he had in his home’s genkan, since you visited so often.

In your desperate attempt to look for an out, you hadn’t realized that Bokuto had led you to his room, sitting you down on his bed while he sat at his desk.

The two of you spent so many times in these positions, it was second nature at this point. You felt calmer now, a sense of familiarity washing over you from the comforting place you were in. This didn’t calm the anxiety in you, though. You knew you’d have to confront Bokuto at some point.

“So,” he caught your attention, tilting his head at you, “what now?”

You let out a small, dry laugh, devoid of any humor.

“I’m… not sure.”

“Do you hate me?” The look in Bokuto’s eyes broke your already fragile heart. You wanted to tell him that, _no, you didn’t hate him, you were just scared of anything other than what the two of you had._ Any time you envisioned a future together, all you could see was one of you ending up getting hurt. Most of the scenarios ended up with you hurting Bokuto. It made sense to you. You were you; average, uninteresting, a pit of self pity and insecurity. You figured that if Bokuto ended up loving you—not like he does now, but in a new way—if you ended up opening yourself up to him and letting him look at you in a way that he’d never before, he’d end up disappointed. Or worse, you’d end up bringing him down with you. You knew your life was a sinking ship of despair and self-hatred—issues you’d long since struggled with—and the thought of accidentally shrouding Bokuto’s life with your problems was something you couldn’t stomach.

“No, of course not.”

“Then why’ve you ignored me?” Bokuto’s eyes scanned your face, looking for some kind of sign, some kind of emotion. Yo saw the determined look in his eyes; he was searching for something, and you were not going to let him see the love that you had for him. You were going to protect the both of you from heartbreak.

“Bo, I…” you sighed. How were you going to phrase this? _I know what’s best for the both of us? I’m a self-hating bitch and if I dropped my usual persona you’d only be disappointed? Do you know that I go through months’ long periods of time where I can’t even look at myself without crying? You are so much better than me that the two of us being together just seems… wrong_?

“I don’t know. I’ve just been busy.”

“Bullshit.”

Your eyes widened at the sudden swearing of your best friend. Bokuto didn’t exactly have the cleanest mouth, but you’d only ever heard him swear in the heat of the moment; during matches or celebrations with his friends. Never had you heard Bokuto say something with such an icy tone.

“Don’t lie to me,” and a softer, pleading, “please.”

And his face was so anguished, so full of emotion, that you broke.

You told him everything, all your thoughts, all your insecurities.

How you felt like no one could ever truly love you. How hard it was, for you, to let people in, under all the pretenses and acts you put up. How you felt like you were manipulating people into liking this false version of yourself; that if he were to be with you, _really_ be with you, he’d only be disappointed. Or worse, you’d become a vacuum for his love, you’d bleed him dry and drowning alongside you. Make the both of you miserable.

You told him how insecure you were about everything. How insufferable you felt. How could someone love you when you couldn’t even stand being alone with yourself? And would someone ever really love you? What would happen if you let them see how sad you were? Would they stay with you out of pity? Would they feel obligated to be with you? Would you become a _burden_?

You couldn’t bear the thought of inconveniencing Bokuto. Could hardly stomach the idea that you’d be the one to hold him back.

Throughout your little confessional, Bokuto could hardly contain his emotions. His heart ached for you. He wanted nothing more than to make you stop, to stop listening to these things you were saying. It hurt him to hear you talk like this. And so while you were rambling on, letting out your deepest darkest secrets, he got up from his desk and sat next to you on his bed, slowly inching his way closer and closer to you, until your knees bumped up against each other.

“I just,” you whispered, voice quivering and quiet, “I don’t ever want to hurt you, Bo. I can’t be with you if I know that I’ll only end up ruining everything.”

Suddenly, you felt Bokuto’s arms around you, his face buried in your neck, his breath fanning your shoulder.

“You could never hurt me.” Bokuto’s voice was quiet, but there was a light tone to it, the despair from earlier already dissipating from his voice.

You sighed, reaching a hand up to comb through his hair.

“You don’t know that, Bo.”

“I do.” He responded stubbornly, pulling back so he could look at your face.

“But I respect what you want.” He looked… sad. But not. You couldn’t read it.

“I just want you to know that I love you,” he started saying, gaze fierce, “and I can help you. If you’re not ready right now, I can wait for you. Hell, if you don’t like me back in the way that I like you, we can go back to normal and forget this ever happened.”

Except you couldn’t do that. The both of you knew that. Almost everything was out in the open now. There was no going back.

Maybe it was from the adrenaline of Bokuto once again confessing, maybe it was the reassuring feeling that you had wash over you as he told you that he’d wait for you, that he’d respect your feelings, but you were feeling bold.

“I love you, too, Bo. I just,” you melted into his arms, his chin resting atop your head now. “I don’t want to end up hurting you.”

“I promise you won’t.” He repeated, arms tightening around you. “We can go slow. Do this however you want. I promise that we can do this, _together_.“

Maybe you weren’t making a mistake. Maybe this could work out, slowly but surely, if the two of you worked together.

**Author's Note:**

> anyways i rejected someone that I like because I'm insecure about being in a relationship. This is how I'm coping with it. Hope y'all enjoyed reading this lol


End file.
